Exerpts From the Lutheran Handbook

How To Stay Alert In Church

1. Get adequate sleep.

Late Saturday nights are Sunday morning's worst enemy. Resolve to turn in earlier. A good night's sleep on Friday night is equally important to waking rested on Sunday, as sleep debt builds up over time.

2. Drink plenty of water, though not too much.

It is easier to remain alert when you are well hydrated.  Consider keeping a small bottle of water with you during worship. One quick bathroom break is considered permissible. Two or more are bad form.

3. Eat a high-protein breakfast.

Foods high in carbohydrates force your body to metabolize them into sugars, which can make you drowsy. If your diet allows, eat foods high in protein instead, such as scrambled eggs with bacon.

4. Arrive early and find the coffee pot.

If you don't drink coffee, consider a caffeinated soda.

5. Focus on your posture.

Sit up straight with your feet planted firmly on the floor. Avoid slouching, as this encourages sleepiness. Good posture will promote an alert bearing and assist in paying attention, so you'll get more out of worship.

6. If you have difficulty focusing on the service, divert your attention. Occupy your mind, not your hands.

Look around the worship space for visual stimuli. Keep your mind active in this way while continuing to listen.

7. Stay alert by flexing muscle groups in a pattern.

Clench toes and feet; flex calf muscles, thighs, glutei, abdomen, hands, arms, chest, and shoulders. Repeat. Avoid shaking, rocking, or other movements that attract undue attention.*

8. If all else fails, consider pinching yourself.

Dig your nails into the fleshy part of your arm or leg, pinch yourself, bite down on your tongue with moderate pressue. Try not to cry out.

*consider that you may be providing visual stimuli (see #6) for another patron in which case it is okay to continue.

Exerpts From The Lutheran Handbook

How to survive for one hour in an un-air-conditioned church:*

Step 1: Plan ahead - get there early to scout out the sanctuary for seats near fans or open windows.  Try to avoid sitting in the sun, and bring a bottle of water for everyone in your group.

Step 2: Maintain your distance from others -  Humans put off about as much heat as a 75-watt light bulb.  The front row will likely be empty and available.

Step 3: Remain still - Fidgeting will only make your heat index rise.

Step 4: Think cool thoughts (like what would have to happen for the Cubs to win the World Series)**.

Step 5: Dress for survival - wear only cool, breathable fabrics

Step 6: Avoid acolyte or choir robes when possible.

Step 7: Pray.  Jesus survived on prayer in the desert for 40 days.  Lifting and extending your arms in an open prayer position may help cool your body by dispersing excess heat.  If you've been perspiring, though, avoid exposing others to your personal odor.

Be Aware:

Carry a personal fan - or use your bulletin as a subsitute

Worship services scheduled for one hour sometimes will run long.  Plan ahead.

*This is legitimate.  While digging through some old curriculum in our office basement I dug up a handful of these Lutheran handbooks.  Much hilarity ensued.  Check back for more!

**in parenthesis is mine.

Please don't wash my feet...

I don't normally write about matters of faith or church, but I've just been reminded of something that annoys me.

This past summer, during a youth mission trip, my group participated in a worship experience that for lack of a better term was [and is] just uncomfortable.  We have this wonderful story in scripture about Jesus washing his followers' feet showing them a humbled master ready to serve rather than be served.  It's a very powerful thing.  Some people who believe that they want to WWJD their entire life take this story and try to help others experience it.

I knew it as soon as I walked into the worship space.  All along the wall were shallow plastic basins and towels lining the east wall of the room.  "Oh no...we're going to have a foot washing" is what I thought to myself.  You can see this little activity coming a mile away.  I sort of wanted to skip that night.  I don't really want to wash someone else's feet.  Ever.

The idea of the worship planner is this:  Jesus' humbled himself to wash his followers' feet so we are going to humble ourselves to wash each others' feet.  We'll show true love by washing feet.  Really?  That's how we are going to humble ourselves?  What a silly idea.

When Jesus did that, he was indeed humbling himself - normally it was a servant's [slave's] job.  Feet were probably a lot more gross back then than they are now, so the master [of the house or w/e] wouldn't dream of washing his guest's feet - he had slaves to do it.  So it was a pretty big deal that Jesus did this - acting like a slave.  Most people seem to understand that.  No problem.  Where they seem to fail is in the fact that NOBODY washes ANYBODY's feet these days.  It simply does not happen.  There are no slaves, and there is no reason to wash someone's feet when they come to your house.  So how in the world are we humbling ourselves by washing someone's feet.  We aren't.

All we are really doing is creating an uncomfortable moment that might feel a little like humbling yourself - but it's not.  If I'm washing your feet, I'm not serving you...it's just creepy.  It's not loving, it's not service - maybe it once was, but it's not now.  How exactly are you following Jesus' real example of service by doing something that isn't even service.  That's just mimicking gestures, not following by example.  

"Wow, I would've really liked to be like Jesus and serve you in some sort of way, but instead I guess I'll just put some water on your already clean feet and then dry them.  Ok?"  

"Hmm thank you for washing my feet.  Now I'm positive that you are a true servant - willing to do anything for me!"

Let's try to be a little more creative ok?  Quit with all this feet washing nonsense.  Just because you've made me feel uncomfortable [creepy] doesn't mean you've taught me a thing about humility.  The act of feet washing is culturally irrelevant.  The act of serving others certainly isn't.