scared to be alone

sometimes I avoid situations where I am forced to reflect on my own life. It can be quite scary. I think I often try to fill my mind with tasks to do and, well, clutter so that I don't regularly have to face my inner self. I have been having trouble sleeping lately, and I am not sure why. Actually, I have some good ideas about why I lie awake at night, but I am too scared to come to grips with those reasons. I think somewhere deep inside, I am scared to be alone. Two weekends ago, Adam and Lucas and John were all gone and I didn't have much to do over the weekend. I could have been a little more proactive in finding something to do, but I thought that a little time to myself would be nice for a change. I was wrong. I was alone, and I felt it hard. I tried making a few calls to cheer myself up, but even as the phone was ringing, I was hoping that nobody would answer because my desperation for human contact was outdone by the selfish hunger of depression. I was miserable, but I was hoping and choosing that it would go on. Now, I am not really a depressive person, and I think I am usually in good spirits but every once in a while I take a dive. So, I am scared to be alone, but I am not real sure what that means. I think it comes from having a love that is unfulfilled. It has a real hollowing effect on my life, and when it gets stirred, I can't sleep. But it is love that I probably can't pursue. Even if I could, I think I would be too scared to. I would have to put a lot on the line for love...

I have written and erased a lot of sentences after this one, because I don't want to be too specific on the stupid blog. I have thought about this issue so much that I am tired. I don't want to be more specific because I am scared of what you all might think of me. Sometimes I try to imagine that this is my personal journal and I will write whatever, because I do it for me and not for anyone else. That's bull crap. The one's who know me best will understand what I'm talking about here (and there aren't any surprises...you are probably mad that I am still on this issue). The rest of you don't know and that's okay with me. I am glad that people check this stuff out every once in a while...it helps you feel loved (for a change). As for you all that are happy in your relationships, knowing that what you are involved in is something stable and trustworthy, I am envious of you. God has shown me a lot about myself in the midst of my lonliness, and a good deal of it I'm not all that happy about. I don't know if I am more scared of being alone, or of changing who I am. If I got everything I wanted, I don't think I'd be a happy man, and I certainly wouldn't learn anything. Any of you who have ever loved but not been loved in return know what I am going through right now.